How do you change the way you talk to yourself?

Most of us have an inner commentator. On good days it's a helpful friend: "nice, keep going". On bad days it's an unpleasant critic: "you always do this", "everyone noticed", "you're hopeless at this". We'd never let anyone else speak to us like that, but we tolerate it from ourselves all day long.

The voice isn't fixed. It's a habit, and habits can change.

Notice the voice

The first step is simply hearing it clearly. A lot of self-talk runs so fast and so constantly that we don't notice it, only the mood it leaves behind.

For a few days, catch a couple of examples and write them down, word for word. You'll often find patterns:

• Absolute words: "always", "never", "everyone", "ruined".
• Labels: "idiot", "useless", "lazy".
• Mind-reading: "they think I'm boring".
• Fortune-telling: "this will go badly".

Just seeing them on paper takes some of their power away. They look less like truth and more like a slightly dramatic narrator.

The coach test

For each harsh sentence, ask: would a good coach say this to an athlete they believed in? Would a friend say it to you?

A good coach isn't soft. They'd point out the mistake. But they'd do it in a way that helps you play better next time:

• Critic: "You're hopeless at presentations."
• Coach: "The middle section dragged. Cut two slides and practise the transitions."

• Critic: "You've ruined your training this week."
• Coach: "You missed two sessions. Do the next one, and keep it easy."

The coach version is more accurate and more useful. It also happens to be kinder, but that's a side effect, not the point.

Distanced self-talk

There's an interesting line of research on how the words we use for ourselves matter. A 2014 paper by Ethan Kross and colleagues in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that using your own name or non-first-person pronouns, rather than "I", helped people step back from their own situation. In their experiments, people who reflected this way before stressful social tasks, such as making a first impression or giving a speech, were rated by observers as performing better and reported less distress than those who used "I".

In practice, it means swapping:

• "Why am I so nervous?" for "Why is Marco nervous? He's prepared for this."
• "I can't do this" for "You've done harder things than this. Start with the first slide."

It feels a little odd at first, and that's fine. It's like giving advice to a friend, which most of us are far better at than giving it to ourselves.

Make it stick

• Pick one moment to practise. Mornings, before a run, after a mistake at work. Practise there first.
• Prepare a few phrases. A couple of coach sentences you trust, ready for hard moments.
• Don't argue with every thought. Notice, rewrite the big ones, let the small ones pass.
• Expect the critic to return. Old habits come back under pressure. Each time you notice it, you're getting better.

If you worry that a kinder voice means letting yourself off, we look at that in is being kind to yourself the same as letting yourself off the hook?