Is being kind to yourself the same as letting yourself off the hook?

Many of us run on an unspoken belief: if we are kind to ourselves about a mistake, we will stop trying. So we are harsh, on the theory that harshness keeps us sharp. It is an understandable theory. It just doesn't seem to work very well.

What self-compassion actually means

The psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as extending to yourself the compassion you would give others when you fail or feel inadequate. She breaks it into three parts:

• Self-kindness: being warm towards yourself when you get things wrong, rather than harshly critical.
• Common humanity: recognising that failure and difficulty are part of everyone's life, not proof that you are uniquely flawed.
• Mindfulness: holding the uncomfortable feeling in balance, neither ignoring it nor blowing it up.

Notice what is missing from that list: pretending it didn't happen, or deciding it didn't matter.

A standard, not an excuse

The difference between kindness and letting yourself off is the standard. Letting yourself off lowers it: "It doesn't matter that I missed the deadline." Self-compassion keeps it: "I missed the deadline. That matters, I'm disappointed, and I'm also a person who gets things wrong sometimes. What do I do now?"

A good coach is the model here. They don't tell you the race went well when it didn't. They also don't call you hopeless. They tell you the truth, kindly, and then talk about the next session.

Why kindness may help you improve

It is a fair worry that being gentle will make you lazy. Some research suggests the opposite. In a set of experiments by the psychologists Breines and Chen at the University of California, Berkeley, participants who failed an initial test and were then encouraged to think about it self-compassionately studied around a quarter longer for a second test than those encouraged to boost their self-esteem, and scored higher. The researchers linked this to people seeing their weaknesses as something they could change.

It makes intuitive sense. If a mistake means you are worthless, it is safer not to look at it. If a mistake is just a mistake, you can examine it and fix it.

What it looks like on a bad day

Say you snapped at a colleague, skipped the swim and ate dinner standing at the fridge. A harsh inner voice says: "Typical. You never manage anything." The let-off voice says: "Whatever, it doesn't matter." A self-compassionate voice says something like:

• "That was a rough day."
• "I wasn't at my best with Marco. I'll apologise tomorrow."
• "I'll go to the pool on Thursday instead."
• "Plenty of people have days like this."

It is honest about what went wrong, specific about what to do, and doesn't turn one day into a verdict.

A simple check

When you are talking to yourself about a mistake, ask: would I say this to a friend I respect? If not, rewrite it until you would. Then ask: does this version still include what I need to do next? If not, you have drifted into letting yourself off.