How do you laugh at yourself without putting yourself down?

Being able to laugh at yourself is one of the most likeable traits a person can have. It takes the sting out of mistakes, puts other people at ease and makes you much easier to be around. But there's a version of it that slides into something else: the constant jokey self-criticism that sounds light but isn't. The line between them is worth knowing.

Laugh at the situation, not your worth

The simplest test is what the joke is about.

About the situation:

• "I've managed to put salt in the coffee. Again."
• "Turns out the map was upside down for the last half hour."
• "Well, that was the most enthusiastic wrong answer in the history of the quiz."

About your worth:

• "I'm useless, I can't do anything right."
• "Typical me, always ruining things."
• "Nobody should trust me with anything."

The first kind is shared amusement at something that happened. The second kind is a judgement on yourself, just said with a smile. Other people often feel awkward hearing it, because they don't know whether to laugh or reassure you. And repeated often enough, it starts to sound true, especially to you.

The friend test

Before making a joke at your own expense, ask whether you'd make the same joke about a friend in the same spot. "You walked into a glass door? Brilliant." Yes, probably. "You're hopeless at everything"? Not a chance. If the joke would be unkind to a friend, it's unkind to you too. Our page on changing how you talk to yourself has more on that inner voice.

Keep it light and occasional

A good self-directed joke is a quick release, not a habit. When it becomes a reflex, every compliment deflected with "oh, it was luck", every success downplayed with a joke, it stops being humour and becomes a way of keeping yourself small. If you notice you're always the punchline, try letting a few moments pass without the joke. Accept the praise. Leave the mistake unremarked. See how it feels.

Pick good company

Laughing at yourself works best with people who laugh with you. Close friends, a good team, family on a good day. They know the joke is about the moment, and they'll share their own disasters in return. That's where self-directed humour is warmest: a swapping of stories about being human.

With people who use your jokes as ammunition, or who are already putting you down, it's wise to hold back. You don't have to give anyone material.

Use it for real mistakes

The most useful time to laugh at yourself is right after something goes wrong. A dropped tray, a wrong turn, a mispronounced word in a language you're learning. A quick, good-humoured line, "Well, everyone will remember me now", lets everyone relax, including you. It shows you can take a knock, and it makes the mistake smaller rather than bigger.

Then fix what needs fixing. Humour isn't a replacement for taking responsibility, just a way of carrying it lightly.