How do you form your own opinions instead of borrowing them?

Most of what we believe about films we haven't seen, restaurants we haven't eaten in and books we haven't read arrives second-hand. That is not a scandal; nobody has time to check everything personally. The trouble starts when borrowed views get mixed in with real ones and we can no longer tell which is which.

Notice the borrowed ones first

A borrowed opinion has some giveaways:

• It comes with a ready-made phrase. If you find yourself saying "it's overrated" or "it's a masterpiece" in exactly the words of a review or a friend, that is a clue.
• You can't say why. Ask yourself one follow-up: what specifically? If nothing comes, the opinion is probably a label you picked up.
• It is very strong and very fast. Real opinions about complicated things usually take a while and come with a "but".
• It matches your group perfectly. Agreeing with your friends is normal. Agreeing with them on absolutely everything, instantly, is worth a second look.

None of this means the borrowed opinion is wrong. It means you haven't earned it yet.

Go to the source

The single most useful habit is to meet the thing before the talk about it. Watch the film before reading the reviews. Read the article, not the headline and the comments under it. Taste the wine before looking at the label's tasting notes. Visit the town people say is ruined by tourism and see what you see on a Tuesday morning.

This does not have to be heroic. Even five minutes with the original changes the conversation. You will often find it is more ordinary, more interesting or simply different from what you were told.

Write down your first reaction

Before you look anything up, jot two or three lines: what you liked, what bothered you, what you'd tell a friend. Then read what others think. Now you have something to compare against, and you'll notice where you agree because you were persuaded and where you agree because you'd already got there.

Let "I don't know yet" be an answer

There is a lot of pressure to have a take on everything, preferably within the hour. Resisting it is a kind of confidence. "I don't know enough about that to have a view" is an honest and slightly rare sentence, and it tends to make people trust your other views more. The same goes for "I'm still thinking about it". Some opinions should take a week. Some should take a year. We have more on living with that in-between feeling in getting comfortable with uncertainty.

Ask the two questions

For any view you hold firmly, try answering:

• Why do I think this? Give the reasons in your own words, not a quote.
• What would change my mind? If nothing could, it isn't really an opinion; it is closer to a loyalty.

If you can answer both, the opinion is yours, even if you first heard it from someone else. Ideas don't have to be original to be owned. They just have to be understood.

Seek out the best version of the other side

Not the worst comment on the internet, but the most thoughtful person who disagrees with you. Read them properly. You may not change your mind, but you will know your own position far better, and you'll stop arguing against a cartoon.